Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I Carry Your Heart With me

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed." - Psalm 26:13

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

How do you mend a broken heart? How do you turn pain into joy? How do you smile when you want to cry? How do you find answers to questions that seem to have no solutions? It is in the stillness that God speaks to me and leads me to the knowing that the answers lie within the heart and all is well all the time.

God has led my soul through a valley of quiet in the last several months. He knows my spirit needed rest after the tumultuous events that led to me letting go of Johnny's hand so God could lift him into heaven. The hardest words I have ever said in my life were the last words I said to Johnny, "It's OK to go."

Those were also the bravest words I ever said. The prospect of traveling alone through the rest of my life without my soul mate was frankly, frightening. Johnny had always been my protector. He always had my back. But I knew the greatest act of our love was to calm his fears of leaving. It was that moment of stillness that e.e. cummings describes "when the dance turns."

This morning I happened upon that quote and went in search of the whole poem. I didn't find it but I found the poem above which had even more significance to me. I realized that the grace of God has taught me how to find a place for my eternal love for Johnny. I have found that love can live on transformed by simply finding a new home - a new place in my heart that I never knew existed. Johnny lies tucked away within every moment of joy I discover, because i carry his heart with me, inside my heart.

This had been the great dilemna. I did not want to leave him behind. I knew I had to move on. But instead I feel like I have been walking in circles. Now I realize even the circles had a purpose. God was slowing me down long enough to understand that true love never dies, and that it can be transformed in the twinkling of an eye. It's ok to keep walking.

The beauty of these moments have been the blue butterflies that continue to delight me with their appearances almost daily. They have kept my heart hopeful that Johnny is still with me and guiding me in different ways. They have reminded me of God's love which manifests to us all in a million different ways - if we just take the time to stop. If we just take a moment to believe in miracles.

I think that God is working inside me to bring me back to a place where I look at the world through the eyes of a child. I gasp with wonder at the simple things that are the greatest treasures. I look for the good in everything and everyone. It is a happy place to be. It is learning to dance in the rain alone because in my heart, I know that I am never really alone.

God and His angels are with me in every moment. And Johnny has never really left me. He is in a different realm that I cannot see with my eyes. But my heart sees him and understands that he is in the best place of all. When I close my eyes I can always find him in my dreams.

When people ask me how I am doing lately, I now tell them, (as I point upward) "I'm doing fine because I know where Johnny is and I know who he is having supper with tonite!"

Thanks to all of you for your love and concern for me and for Scarlett with your cards and letters and phone calls and visits. We appreciate your love. It has lifted us up on wings and helped us to fly through the clouds to the rainbows that wait for us. I know Johnny is smiling down from heaven with a heart full of thanks for watching over us. It delights me that he has sent blue butterflies through all of you in different ways. I know that he would wish each of you the joy of living life with eyes wide open and loving every moment.

Have a heavenly day!